For the last two months, I have been slowly realizing that no one but I have control over my life and that no one can dictate what I can and can’t do. Also, no one can manipulate me into being their little lost puppy dog. It has been an amazing feeling, realizing that I am my own strong independent person. I’ve also realized that it bugs that shit out of me when I feel like I don’t have control over myself.

For instance, in the last three weeks, I’ve been slowly withdrawing myself from my medication. I’ve come to be happy about because what I’m on I don’t want to be on, cause the long-lasting side effects are horrible for you. Like it really messes with my memory, train of thought, I’m constantly starving and moody.

I have been starting to feel like I don’t have control over it and it’s bugging the shit out of me. I have been trying to grip at what little control I have left, my thoughts have been hella strange and my insomnia has been crazy insane. I think I’m going on three weeks with hardly any sleep. But hey, I’m almost all caught up on supernatural!

For the last month, I have dyed my hair three times. I had a nice light brown with blonde highlights, it looked amazing. But I was itchy for a change and didn’t want just a darker brown or blonde. My sister in law wanted to do purple in her hair and I said fuck it and did teal over my nice hairstyle, it came out amazing! The highlights turned bright teal and the light brown was a darker teal, it blended nicely. The teal was supposed to be semi-permanent and be out in two weeks.

Well almost four weeks later, it was still teal even after trying to put purple over it. So my sister in law and I bleach my WHOLE HEAD, to strip it so I could dye my hair actual purple. Oh lord, I didn’t realize how nervous I’d be about bleaching my hair until it was in my hair and I was stuck! I felt like I had no control during the whole bleaching. In my head, it would turn out great or my hair would fall off. 

Even after bleaching the teal was still going strong! By the way, I don’t make a good blonde, my hair is wayyyyy to thin! Anyway, now I have extremely vibrant purple hair and I couldn’t be happier.

So my point, I have dyed my hair three times in the last month and as I sit on my bathroom floor with lusty lavender splat dye on my hair, I realized that simply dying my hair whatever color helps me feel like I have control. Even when I’m withdrawing from my medication and feel like I have no idea what is going to happen next because of them or how I’m going to be without them. It may not be a lot but it helps me feel like I have control over myself, even if it’s only my hair.

This is the running joke in my family, “Stop Trying to Manipulate me Rachael.” Because my half sister once started the rumor that my brother and his wife manipulated me into moving in with them after I graduated high school because they needed a nanny. Well, news for everyone my brother and his wife weren’t even pregnant when I first moved in with them and they didn’t even know they could get pregnant then.

In fact, moving in with them was the best thing I ever did for myself, getting away from that abusive and toxic filled house helped me bloom into my own person.

The last five years of my life, have come with a lot of growing and healing. I’ve realized that I deserve a lot more respect than I get from some people who were once in my life. The best decision I ever made for myself was moving away and cutting ties with toxic family members, scratch that, abusive family members.

I’ve healed a lot lately and have come to terms with the fact that situations that happened in my past, we’re never my fault. At all. How I was raised and treated, I didn’t deserve. On top of that, I know my mom would have never wanted that for me. 

However, lately I’ve been dealing with something that is hard to talk about because I feel like no one will understand. I have nothing of my childhood and nothing of my mothers. I have three things and that is it. I have an art project from the third grade, a necklace my mom gave us three girls the Christmas before she passed and screenshots of photos from family members Facebook accounts. Half of these photos, I can’t even see my moms face in, I have nothing of hers.  I don’t even have a grave site. 

It has become unbelievably hard to look at any photos from anyone’s past without wanting to sob. Last week I was helping my best friend clean out her storage unit and the more photo albums we found the more I wanted to curl up and sob. It is absolutely horrible to me that I have nothing and never will. 

I have tried for so long to not let this bother me, but I can’t keep pushing this down anymore and pretending it doesn’t bother me when it does. The fact is I know I will never have anything of my moms. Sure, I could ask, even beg, but my half sister will tell me that I’m ungrateful, don’t deserve it or that I’m not responsible enough. Actual words, she has used in the past when I have asked for things. 

Let me take a moment to remind you, my mom passed away when I was 9, I’m 23 now. That’s 14 years. I have nothing of hers. I don’t even have a death certificate. 

Now sure, I could ask for things and I have over the past five years. I’ve been told that I’m not responsible and will destroy stuff. However, every time I try to open that can of worms I get hurt worse than before. Or I get told off on Facebook about a stupid post my half sister thinks is about her when it is not and then she’ll puts my personal business on Facebook. Then my heart gets ripped out of my chest, AGAIN.

Frankly, I’m done taking abuse I don’t deserve, having everything they ever did for me thrown in my face, like them deciding they wanted to be my sister and I’s guardians and “everything they’ve done for us.” When they made the decision to care for us after our mother passed. I’m also done being manipulated and pointless drama started. 

I will forever love them. But I will love them from afar because having them in my life just is not worth my mental stability anymore. The fact of this sad reality is, I believe that the only way I will ever have anything of my mothers/my childhood is through a courtroom. 

The last two weeks I haven’t been in the right state of mind, I’ve been withdrawing from my medications and haven’t been sleeping because of it. I’m just so physically and mentally exhausted, like beyond what I usually am. It’s been about a year since I started taking medications for my mental health disorders and now I’m withdrawing from them literally a year later. 

In a way, I’m happy about this. I never wanted to be medicated, and I came to find out that the one drug I’m on, Seroquel, is actually bad for you in the long term sense. It has such horrible long lasting side effect, that affects your memory, weight gain(increased hunger), irritability and mood swings. In regards to side effects of taking Seroquel, I also have trouble thinking and speaking, dry mouth, headaches and irritability(don’t believe me, ask Becca lol.) 

When I first started taking medications for my mental health disorders again, I was relieved because I was in such a bad place mentally that I just wanted to feel numb for a change. I was in such a crappy relationship on top of it, that I didn’t know if it was my situation or my mental health. Thank God, that relationship is over though. I mean it had it’s good parts but it was toxic.

 When I first took antidepressants when I was a teenager, they made me sleep all day and made me numb. They were forced down my throat then and I didn’t have a choice. I was nervous about going back on them, because of how they made me feel the first two times. I never wanted to be medicated again, but my mental health got to the point where I was miserable and was having such bad crying spells. 

The last year has come with a lot of changes in my life, with my mental health at least. I’ve tried to better myself mentally this past year and learn more about my triggers and such. I’ve learned that sometimes the littlest things can set me off can set me into a mania if I’m not careful. I’ve learned that people’s attitudes and actions towards me can set me off. I’ve also learned that toxic environments and people don’t deserve my time. AT ALL. All it will do is make my mental health decline and put me in a state of mania. I deserve the world, even though I don’t always see or think that.

I deserve respect. Period.

At times, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts, even sometimes on a weekly basis. Sometimes I’m able to ignore them. I might be driving somewhere and briefly think about driving off the road. That thought might catch me off guard, but it quickly passes and I try mind and I go about my day.

But other times, these thoughts stick around. It’s like a huge weight has dropped onto me and I’m struggling to get out from underneath it. The thoughts start overwhelming me, I get an intense urge and desire to end at all.

In those moments, it’s like there’s glitch in my brain that’s triggered and my mind goes haywire. I’m convinced that I’ll do anything to get the screaming thoughts in my head to stop. Even if that glitch is actually temporary, it can feel like it won’t last forever.

I’ve become more aware of my thoughts and found ways to manage when things get too hard. Simply, being aware of the lies my brain tells me when I’m suicidal, helps combat them.

If this last year has taught me anything, it’s that the matter what Depression tells me, there’s always hope. I want to share a few ways that I have learned to cope with my suicidal Idealization.

When it feels impossible to focus on anything other than my pain, I look for a distraction.

When I’m suicidal, my emotional pain is intense and overwhelming, so much so that it’s hard to concentrate or think about anything else. If I find that I can’t focus I sometimes turn to my favorite TV shows like Friends or Supernatural or even New Girl. Although, my favorite distraction of all time, is to hearing Thalía screaming my name and being extremely excited to see me.

They give me a sense of comfort and familiarity that I need in those times. It can be a great distraction when reality gets too much. Sometimes all we can do is wait for the thoughts to pass and then regroup. Watching my favorite show is a great distraction.

When I’m convinced that everyone would be better off without me, I challenge those thoughts.

My loved ones would never want me to die(it’s a rule in our house, no one can die!) but sometimes it’s hard for me to think clearly. There’s always a voice in my head that tells me family is better off without me. Especially, if they didn’t have to deal with me at my worst.

But the reality is, I’m only one that thinks that.

My family won’t recover if I die and my love ones know that being there for someone when things get tough as a part of life.

Challenge those thought about love ones being better off without you by not only thinking through the reality but spending time with love ones more often.

When I struggle to see my other options, I just go to sleep.

Being suicidal is, in someways, a form of total emotional exhaustion. I’m tired of having to force myself out of bed each morning, having to take all of these medications that don’t seem to be working and crying constantly.

Struggling with my mental health day in and day out is very tiring and when I reached my limit, I can feel as though I’m just too broken, that I need to way out.

Just remember, even if it can feel awkward or scary at first, it’s important to reach out and keep yourself safe! When you’re in a depressed state, you’re not in a position to make permanent decisions, especially when there is no one there to offer perspective. Suicidal idealization can be extremely scary, but you’re never alone and you’re never without options.

If this last year has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what depression does to you, there’s always hope. No matter how painful it can be, I always find that I’m stronger than I think I am.

And chances are pretty good that if you made it this far, you are too.

Let me start by saving, self care isn’t an excuse to continually be unhealthy, a cheat day every once in a while is fine but you can’t use “self care” to justify poor habits. Also, spending excess money on yourself that you don’t have, debt has never done the body or stress well and self care isn’t selfish!

Again, self care isn’t selfish!!!!

Putting yourself first isn’t selfish!!

Putting your needs first isn’t selfish!!

Practicing self-care isn’t always easy, many of us are crazy busy, have stressful jobs, or are too consumed with technology to make time for ourselves. Me-time is usually last on the agenda. Worse, we can sometimes feel guilty about taking the time required to take care of ourselves.  If you don’t step aside and check in with yourself every now and again, you might wake up to find yourself standing in a very different place than where you intended.

Self care isn’t about perfection or tricking yourself. It’s an honest internal dialog, which is where the challenge lies, as most of us aren’t accustomed to being completely truthful answer to the question, “how are you?”

Fortunately, there are many things you can do to engage in self-care. You can also read about self-care strategies, join self care programs, or work with a coach or therapist who can help support your progress. No matter which approach you choose, the goal is to figure out which self-care strategies work best for you and fits into your routines. Here are some ideas ranging across different hobbies and interests to add to your self care routines.

Don’t check your social media as often as you do-

It can be relaxing to stay away from social media stress and drama.

Take a walk-

Spending time outside can help you reduce stress and be more mindful. Getting outside can also help you sleep better at night, especially if you do more physical activity.

Get more sleep-

Sleep can have a huge effect on how you feel both emotionally and physically. Not getting enough can even cause major health issues. But stress and other distractions can wreak havoc on our sleep.

Set yourself a reminder on your phone or Alexa saying; “you’re amazing!”-

Like getting a text from someone special that makes you smile.

Take a self-care trip-

Taking a self-care trip can make a huge difference in your life. Even if you’re not feeling particularly stressed, getting away for a weekend every now and then cone help you disconnect, relax and be rejuvenated.

Say no to events or gatherings that stretch you too thin-

Learning to say no is really hard; many of us feel obligated to yes when someone asks for our time or energy. However, if your already stressed, saying yes to friends or loved ones can lead to burn out.

Clean and Declutter your desk-

Getting organized is often the first step to becoming a healthier you, because it allows you to figure exactly what you need to do to take better care of yourself.

Take a bath-

Take a soothing bath, read a book maybe

Listen to an audiobook-

Audiobooks are amazing

Cook yourself a nice meal, eating = self care-

An unhealthy diet can lead to an unhappy person and vice-versa.

Wake up in the morning without an alarm set-

It’s the best feeling in the world!

Schedule self care time like you block out plans with friends-

It can be hard for use to find extra time. But it’s extremely important to plan regular self-care time. Moments alone can help you to ponder the best ways to move forward in your life.

Create an achievement folders-

Think about it, everything you are proud of yourself for, papers you’ve gotten good grades on and such, put into one folder that you can look at anytime you are feeling down.

Set yourself small/manageable goals-

Journal down little goals for yourself, even if they are as much as doing laundry.

Often times we put this pressure on ourselves to be great, that we forget to leave time to just be yourselves. Self-care doesn’t have to be lavish. For self care to be effective, it’s going to be different for everyone. While I like crawl into bed with a book, color my stress away or have music way to loud in my ears, other people may find other things to help them.

Instead, look at self-care as a way to help you be present in the moment and not many miles away in your head.

There’s no need to rush!

So go at your own pace. Do as much or as little as feels comfortable to you. But most importantly be consistent! Self-care is a habit and with a little stubbornness, it could become a one of a way of life.

I have used music as an escape since my very first ipod nano, back then it was full of Disney Camp Rock, Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers. No Shame!! However, once I realized music’s unique strength over my illness and the advantages of certain genre, I began to proactively utilize it as a real coping mechanism. This strategy has helped me to persevere through somewhat intense episodes and because of that I’d like to share some of my favorite songs in that hopes that they might help someone else, too. Here are 26 songs that have helped me at my worse..

Last Resort – Papa Roach

This song speaks volumes to me, the singer sings about how it’s his last resort and he doesn’t care if he dies.

Hold on – Good Charlotte

The songs about holding on, that it gets better and that you are not alone.

The Last Night – Skillet

The song makes me remember that I’m not alone and that I have my circle of people to lean on.

Never Too Late – Three Days Grace

Reminds me that this world will always be crappy and that trying to stay alive is better than ending it.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs – Fall Out Boy

I always picture myself screaming this to certain people that are no longer in my life. “Thanks for the memories, even though they were so great.”

Famous Last Words – Mayday Parade

I also, picture myself screaming this to certain people that are no longer in my life. For a long time the lyrics to this song kept me going. “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone.”

I’m Not Okay(I Promise) – My Chemical Romance

This is another one, I picture myself just high school musical-ing it to!

Sorry Not Sorry – Demi Lovato

This song of Demi’s makes me feel like I’m on top of the world and how people who are no longer in my life, are probably pissed because I’ve moved on and don’t let them affect me any longer. On another note, it reminds me that Karma will get them. 🙂

This Song Saved My Life – Simple Plan

If I could bust on in song and sing this to people who have always been there for me, I would!

Better Now- Post Malone

Better Now, helped me realize that I’m just better off with my circle that I have now.

Truth Hurts – Lizzo

“I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch”

“Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face.”

F*ck This Song – Schaffer The DarkLord

Just listen to this one, it’s freaking amazing, especially the monkey part!(Thanks to Lukas, for introducing me to them cause this is amazing!)

Face Down – The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Again, if I could bust out in song and sing this to a certain person I would.

Gives You Hell  – The All American Rejects

This song reminds me that when certain people see my face, it ruins their day!

F**kin’ Perfect – P!ink

When ever I need a reminder that I’m perfect, no matter what, I always listen to this song.

Medicate – Gabbie Hanna

“Should I take a pill to numb my pain, change the chemicals in my brain.”

Broken Girls – Gabbie Hanna

Reminds me that some people want broken girls, to make them feel better!

Broken Boys- Gabbie Hanna

It’s a diss track to Broken Girls

Perfect Day(A True Story) – Gabbie Hanna

“I saw “I love you” written in the steam and I couldn’t help but smile at the sweet message you left me but it wasn’t in your handwriting.” (I suggest watching the music video to this one the first time you listen, cause the whole story plays out!)

Butterflies – Gabbie Hanna

“I knew who you were from the start, I just hope you’d prove me wrong.”

Pillowcase – Gabbie Hanna

“I don’t want to party, but I want invitation. I don’t need to hear you say I’m sorry, but I need the validation.”

Goodbye, For Now – Gabbie Hanna

“So I’ll say Goodbye, for now.”

Praying – Ke$ha

Reminds me that I’m proud of who I am

Numb – Linkin Park

Do I even need to explain this one??

For Good – Wicked

“I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.”

How Far I’ll Go – Auli’i Cravalho

No one, including me, knows “How Far I’ll Go,” and that aspiration carries hope for me.

I know most of these dates back to my high school days but hey, these songs are still awesome and they have helped me through so much, during my darkest days in high school and even now.

Also, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND checking out Gabbie Hanna and her new EP “2WAYMIRROR.” Her music speaks to me on so many levels.

Anyway, there you have it, 26 songs that have helped me through my worse.

There is nothing I hate more, then opening up to someone about my daily struggles with bipolar depression and PTSD and being told to just “get over it” or “your better than that.” I wish it was just that easy. I wish I could just simply move on and leave my illness at the door. BUT I CAN’T!

I recently shared my blog with a family member of mine and when asked what the link was, I explained what it was and my daily struggles with having bipolar. (Just to make it clear, I have no idea if this family member knew about my bipolar before this..) Said family member then proceeded to tell me that I “needed to learn to live with it and get over it.” cause ya know, that fucking helps. Thanks so much for the advice but you can shove it where the sun don’t shine honey.

My favorite interaction with a family member and trying to explain my depression.

Family member- “What’s been going on? How are you?”

Me- “I’ve been okay, besides trying to work through my depression.”

Family member – “oh honey, Don’t be depressed, you’re better than that sweetpea!”

Me- “. . . . “

Thanks so much! You fixed me! I’m not depressed anymore!

I wish I could simply, “get over it” or “not be depressed anymore.” I get it, people think showing a little tough love will help get a little desire and motivation in me to help get over this “funk” I’m in.

My all time favorite thing someone has said to me after I explain to them that I have depression is, “you don’t think I am sad, too, sometimes?” and “there are other people who have it worse than you.” Well, sure, I know you get sad, too, and yes, I know a lot of other people have it far worse than me, but by telling me that it is not okay to be sad because other people have it worse is like telling me that I can’t be happy because other people have it better. It’s not a fair thing to say to someone, especially someone who suffers from depression because depression isn’t about being sad necessarily.

But the truth is., depression isn’t something you can heal from in one day. Depression is a different type of sad, sad you can’t simply move on from. Depression is that friend who is always around, but makes everything hard, makes getting out of bed a chore. It takes time, sometimes months or years for some, and may even last a lifetime for some people.

Unless you’ve experienced first hand what depression, bipolar and anxiety feel like that, there is no way to understand it. It’s not an emotion that you get when you watch the heart wrenching parts of The Notebook, and it’s not easily fixed by someone telling you that they love you. Some people often make the mistake of thinking that these emotions just turn on and off, well they don’t.

If you could simply choose to be happy whenever you want to be, we would all have smiles on our faces and actually be enjoying our lives a lot more than those with these disorders are. I think one of the biggest issues with raising awareness of these mental illnesses is that people think depression, bipolar, and anxiety as something you see in movies and TV shows. You get sad, you get happy, you then move on. But it just doesn’t work that way..

Do your research, learn about it. You’ll never fully understand unless you experience it first hand but letting someone know that they aren’t going through it alone, makes all the difference in the world.

The reality of it is that people with mental illnesses have to learn to live with and have a treatment plan for their disorders, rather than “get over it.” Its okay, that you might not understand that. Honestly, I hope you never have to understand it, but please be patient with those who do.

The transition from high school to college is usually an exciting time. For many, its their first extended time away from home and it’s their first big step to their own identity. These new beginnings, rise hope for new outcomes and adventures into this new adult world. Most people thrive in their new college/university environment, however, the biggest disappointment here is that this new fabulous beginning doesn’t apply to bipolar disorder. Those with bipolar disorder, don’t get to leave it at the door like high school friends or drama. A fresh start with bipolar disorder, usually means revisiting one’s approach to treatment and deciding what’s most appropriate for the next stage of development.

Personally for me, I had no interest in applying for college or my senior year of high school. At this point in my life, I have no idea if I had bipolar disorder. I know I was extremely depressed and suicidal. I was living in a very abusive household, and everything I did to reach out and get help got right back to my abusers. I did know, that I didn’t plan on being alive by the time graduation came around. I was scared, depression and didn’t have anyone as an ally. I remember being so badly depressed then and just so lost, I was trying my best at avoiding being home. I remember thinking to myself at some point that there was no one I could trust because everything I ever said got back to my abusers.

Many of my peers and classmates had a plan for their future and well, I didn’t have a plan or a want to do anything. I also wasn’t involved in any clubs or anything, besides girl scouts. All I knew was what I was conditioned to think, that I wanted to be a teacher. Every time that I tried to bring up something that I wanted to do in my future, it was shot down and I was reminded that I wanted to be a teacher. (Absolutely, nothing wrong with being a teacher!!)

After graduating high school, I moved an hour away from my hometown and in with my brother and his wife, finally away from that abusive house. The best thing I ever did for myself was get away from those abusive people. So after that I took a year off from school and started at my local community college, a little over a year after high school ended. I originally went for education p-6, however, after two semesters I changed to liberal arts. I got one semester into my liberal arts major, and the stress from the four classes I was taking was overwhelming, I winded up dropping two of those classes. I wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating and was just completely overwhelmed. After that last semester, I took three semester off to figure out what I wanted to actually do and ya know do some legit soul searching.

College is made up to be an exciting time, time to network and find yourself while making friends and memories you’ll never forget. But for me, it turned into this huge ball of stress and panic that I just couldn’t handle. Having bipolar and attending college can feel fucking impossible. I went back to school, this past fall and changed my major to Business Management. Even after this past spring semester, I considered dropping out again and I’m only attending part time.

I have, however, realize that when it came to assignments, I’m either too low and I procrastinated until the last minute or I’m in such a hyper and energized mania mood that I would get aggravated with myself until it was done. Especially, group projects and members who don’t communicate and do their part, I hate it.

Although, I did write a research paper on treatment possibilities of Posttraumatic stress disorder, it was titled, “Healing: Spirits or Science?” Basically, it was about indigenous healing practices verse modern medication. How quickly our society wants to medicate it away, for everything not just, PTSD and mental health. My paper also went into detail on how some people first turn God after experiencing a traumatic event in their lives. I learned a lot during my research, like PTSD actually affects your memory and learning abilities. PTSD can actually make your learning process ten times slower.

College is tough, regardless of what you face on a daily basis by yourself. Everyone experiences life events in a different mind set than the next person. Making it through college, unmedicated, was a flipping chore and a half. It was unbelievably hard on my mental health. Even with being diagnosis, medicated and having more support than I originally did, it’s still not easy. You know how hard it is to get out of bed and take a shower some days? Even worse than that, but think about then having to then go to class, where your assignments will be critiqued. Being bipolar isn’t your only identity, though it does loom very large in your life. I was a student, a nanny, an employee, a sister, a daughter and a granddaughter and a few other things. I may not have enjoyed them as I should, but they are as much as part of me as my bipolar is.

Those with bipolar disorder feel like they’re so invincible they can fly, on their good days. On bad days, their depression is so crippling that just getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world. Mania is hard to deal with, I never know if it’s just a good positive day or a manic episode waiting to happen. Although, there are days where I know that I’m on the verge of slipping into a manic state. Usually, on those days I’ve learned that it can take one little stupid thing to make me slip into a mania and cause me to be overly pissed off, like a burning rage almost. Or rather, so hyper and so energized that my fat self could run a marathon and not be out of breath.  However, mostly I’ve learned how to talk myself down and go about my day avoiding things I know might set me off.

My last serious manic episode was in the beginning of February, I was wide awake for a week straight. I was going absolutely crazy during this time. I have no idea what set me off or why I was in such a state. But I couldn’t slow my mind down, and it was going faster than a mile a minute, thoughts and ideas ripping through my mind, everything I had to get done, school assignments, my messy room I was avoiding, and the stresses from my then job. I was having such crazy thoughts after another, my suicidal thoughts were still there but they were louder than ever before and were screaming in my head.

I had an appointment that week with my psychiatrist nurse, I was in her office no more than twenty minutes. I expressed all my feelings, what was going on inside my head, I couldn’t sit still at all, and I kept getting distracted and zoning out while I was talking to her. During all of this, my nurse was more worried about her phone and whoever she was texting. She was hardly answering me and just kept nodding, clearly she wasn’t paying attention.

Whatever was on her phone, or whoever, was clearly more important than her patient who was telling her their suicidal thoughts and just how badly she wanted to kill herself. I left her office after about twenty minutes and all the nurse did was throw another medication at me, she didn’t think about the other four I was already on. Hell, I had absolutely no idea if they would negatively react against one another. Not only that but she didn’t mention lowering any of them for this one or eventually taking one away for this new one.

I was at such a loss, and also feeling like I was losing my mind. I took the script for all my medications and left her office. I felt so, so lost and felt like I was spiraling out of control, I logically feared for my own life and what I could wind up doing. Actually, considered checking myself in somewhere. I refused the new medication when I picked up my others, and since she has refused to see me. She hasn’t answered one phone call or text, even before my refusal, during this whole breakdown she never once answered me.

I had a complete breakdown the very next day at work, the night after I left her office. I was perfectly fine until a friend of mine asked if I was okay(Thanks Diana!) and then I just started sobbing, like uncontrollably. Right before this happened, I actually asked if I could go home, even found my own coverage, and was told I couldn’t leave at all. So that didn’t help my episode at all.

I completely understood and I don’t expect special treatment for my mental illnesses. I also extremely try to not use my bipolar as an excuse for my behavior, I’ll use to it to explain why I acted the way I did or why I out of nowhere had a short fuse. But I in no form try to use my bipolar disorder as an excuse for any of my behavior. (In short, I mean I don’t sit there and say oh well, I’m bipolar so *shrug*.)

After this episode, I felt ashamed and as if I was some attention seeker. For weeks, I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone around me thought I did it for attention. I felt like the people around me were treating me different after his, like I was a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up. I hated it, I felt like no one was taking me serious because of my manic episode.

Bipolar is hard, mania is hard. Being misunderstood because of your mental health is hard. I’ve said many times to people in my life, I’m not doing this for attention like I have bipolar disorder and sometimes I just can’t control my emotions. Half the time, I feel that the people around me feel like I milk it and am just seeking attention. However, after opening up to my dad and finally telling him that I have bipolar I learned it actually runs in my family and a few people on his side have it so now I don’t feel so alone as I once did.

Well, I’m here for any of you who suffer with any form of anything and will always be a listening ear for any of you. I’m here and I understand to the fullest. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

What many people fail to understand is that bipolar comes in many different forms, it is different for everyone. Bipolar is defined by rapid mood swings, worse than a teenagers hormones. Bipolar mood swings are actually much  more dramatic. One person’s bipolar might be more emotional and not angry or vise versa. I personally, get upset very easily or as some have told me, I cry easily and I will admit that I actually do. Honestly, sometimes I simply can’t control it. The stupidest  littlest things can set me off, I once punched my mouse pad on my laptop because it wasn’t working right. It was so stupid but set me off. I also extremely hate loud noises and yelling.

However, there are actually several different forms of bipolar and they are classified by the mania and depressive episodes and how quickly they come and go. I personally, am usually pretty mellow, unless I’m triggered. However, there are actual times when I have absolutely no idea why the heck I’m in mania.

Many people say, ‘she’s bipolar’, but you’d never define someone with depression by saying ‘she’s a depressive’. Simply, changing your wording to they have bipolar,  just sounds better than labeling someone.

I also learned that bipolar disorder isn’t always a condition you are born with, but rather a condition that can be developed due to traumatic experiences. I’ve read about people who have had it their whole lives and have no idea.

I know I have probably had this condition for a while, and I’ve learned how to control my mania episodes without medication, since I had no idea I even had bipolar because I was refusing to seek help and was in denial.

In the past year, I have learned some of  my symptoms to my mania and depressive episodes.  

Mania –

Extreme happiness, talking quickly, lack of social inhibition, getting easily distracted, being easily irritated, not craving sleep and lack of an appetite

Depressive

Feelings of hopelessness/worthlessness, lack of energy, loss of interest in things I enjoy, difficulty sleeping/concentrating, memory problems, guilt, isolating myself and pessimism

I forwent getting help because I never wanted to be medicated, I didn’t want to be dependent on mood stabilizers or anti-psychotics. But I was so unhappy and just miserable, I mean would cry for hours on end and not be able to stop. I was beyond depressed, I wasn’t really working, just babysitting, and didn’t leave my house at all. I was in a horrible relationship on top of it and that didn’t help my mental health either.

Although now, I’m on one of the higher doses of Seroquel but hate the long term side effects from it. It really messes with my memories. Some days, I find it debilitation and struggle  mentally to cope with everyday life, however, some days it doesn’t bother me at all. On the good days, I can push it down and get through the day.

I walk around every day like nothing is wrong and I hold it all together so no one worries but some days it is just too much and It gets the best of me.

The most important things I’ve learned is that bipolar is something I have, not something that I am and that nobody should be defined by something that’s out of their control.